Body Mass

   Have you ever calculated the difference in pressure from when I lay in your bed to when you are alone? Do you imagine the difference between her body mass and mine? I think you do, knowing that I am weighed down by much heavier things, a world inside me a tide in my soles and a forrest to hide my beating heart. Her body is like butterflies and rose petals singing to the sunshine when it comes out, and never shying away from a summer breeze. 
  My eyes look at you with stony pupils and cloudy iris’ while hers, dance like crystals and dew drops, with a voice to match a songbirds melody, while mine sinks, grazing even the deepest of ocean beds and only digging deeper everyday.
  Calloused body and calloused soul I struggle to keep my old skin, rather than shed it, hold on to every part of myself that I’ve ever known, keep track of every fingerprint that has ever made a burning impression. Freshly hatched from her chrysalis I am no comparison to butterfly wings and flaxen skin there is no comparison, for everything that she is there are sixteen things I am not. 
  The next time I see you I’m going to ask you to touch me harder, and remind me why I keep this old skin, riddled with hand prints of those who’ve left and scrawled memos from lovers on the bottoms of my wrists reminding me, “please never again.” I will kiss you until I feel my shoreline break, until the word inside of me has found you. A god among those who cannot see anything else, and I will whisper you every part of me that pales to hers, only to hope you learn to lie through your teeth. 

Word of mouth

 I miss the lines of cursive you’d carve into my stomach with your tongue, telling me how beautiful I am no matter what the mirror yells at me every morning. Words never spoken but always there deeper than the stretch marks and scars you left them, beautiful.
  I miss the sound of your voice, a simple cadence that stayed with me all day reminding me to be careful with my delicate skin, and even softer soul. “Walk a little slower, don’t bruise your knees.” A song to my still motion life, twining with the song birds voice and sparrows gentle hum. 
  I miss your lips, kissing roses into my ribs so when I went to rip myself open later I’d see the garden you left me and remember your bodies gentle touch as we sinned in the most beautiful way, teaching me what love really feels like.
  The lies you’ve told hold no weight to how beautiful your mouth is, holding parts of my essence behind your sweet tooth for when your body is missing me, you told me the first time we kissed, “If could live off of heart and soul I’d devour yours without stopping to chew.”

Feelings: 5713

  I’m almost certain that it’s not blood running through your veins, but honey. Sweet as my southern coast sunsets and warmer than our bodies when they touch. After every word you say I can almost see the crumbs of sugar roll from your tongue to your lips and linger there, waiting for my hungry mouth to absorb them all.
  Even your harshest words only come out as butter knives that fall to the ground before they even think about touching my skin. Every month since day one there’s been a day where tell me that you can’t possibly keep up with me anymore, my zero to sixties in under a second, anger blossoming from abandoned splenda packets you left on the floorboard of my car and sadness seeping from every lost movie ticket stuck in the visor. 
  Once every month despite my rough edges, callused heart and bitter tongue you tell me you love me with your eyes, and with the way you leave the door unlocked after I leave because anger never remembers house keys. I will tug at your insecurities until the strings fray, and you let me stretch out the seams of your heart without a second thought because you know in my mind I already know what you look like completely unraveled. 
  We mix like honey and water, two completely different substances always different, but always able to come together when the times right, but still touching when its not. Together we have a shelf life that could out last generations of lovers quarrels and slamming doors, fighting our way through the days we think we’re close to expiration and in the end adding another year. I know now, there’s nothing sweeter than honey. 

Feelings: 43013 

I want to feel your chest move under my hands and I want to feel the cracks in your lips.
Let me love away all your loneliness and kiss the memory of her out of your mind.
I think I’ve told you I love you a hundred and twenty seven times and each time it comes out harsher than the one before it. That is my heart building up walls to hide from your eyes.
You make me hate my own skin and bones, flesh and muscle. I want to rip my heart out and let you look at how it beats in morse code, every single letter of your name blood pumping to the rhythm of your uneven breathing.
I was never what you asked for, but always something you wanted. When your lungs slow and your mind quickens the taste of me slips back under your tongue so when you wake up you taste how bitter you have made me.

41113: Feelings

  I’m scared but I’m committed, there’s no one i’d rather dedicate my sorrow to than you.
  You are all the things we love but don’t have the heart to admit: Strangers bedrooms, wanting hands, seeing your mother cry at the sharp words of your younger brother, and thunder storm sparked fires. 
  Heartbreak and headaches, steaming souls and mindless bodys, I trust you with my well being more than I’d ever trust myself because really, you are the better half of me. 

A train wreck

  My heart leaves my chest traveling at a hasty eighty-five miles per hour, on a direct collision course for yours, which is traveling a much more sane pace of forty-seven miles per hour.
  Little do you know I’ve seen this accident in my dreams every night for the past four months, the impending crash, and explosion are going to be nothing compared to when our bodies meet for the first time and I run into your skin like Nancy Ditz crossing the finish line at the 1987 Los Angels marathon.
  So when will our hearts meet? And how hard will they hit? I give our love four years before it fizzles out which means the fire will have to start sometime soon and by the looks of things we’re going to create a bigger flame than the Olympic torch, and everyone will want to put us out.

31713: feelings

My body likes to yell at this time of night. Loudly and always for yours.
I know your address, bed sheets and bathroom counters by heart. They’re engraved in this tiny part of my brain labeled smitten.
When I hear your voice for the first time every day it’s like everything just takes a second to stop so I can hear it perfectly. With that first resonating vowel my mind is put at ease and my sorrows are hushed because I know I have made it another day with you.
One hundred and twenty days I have woken up with your name on my lips and your smile behind my eyes, one hundred and twenty days I’ve been happy I’m alive.
All because of you.

3713: thoughts

I just want to live a beautiful life with someone who has a beautiful soul and understands how my mind works.
I want someone who thinks I’m pretty and who isn’t afraid to read the words I’ve carved into my skin.
I need someone to give me a stern look after I’ve made the inevitable mistake but that will bring me into his arms and quiet his anger.
I need a man who’s faithful, not in his Lord but in his life. Broken, a mess, and scatter brained I want to have you to come to everyday and know that it’s okay.
I crave patience, I know I’m not the best but when my hearts in something it doesn’t leave until someone else slams the door.
I desire a three a.m. love and encouragement that I’m enough, when I’m falling into bad habits. Someone who knows that I’m walking down my old uneasy path and stops to take the baby steps backwards with me.
Loving me will never be easy, and I’m prepared for that but I need someone who makes it seem effortless.

22513: Feelings

  Every artist has her muse, someone whos eyes inspire the way they describe the grass or better yet, the sky. 
  I’ve told you I love you forty-seven times since the first night it slipped out when  I was telling you every honest thing I knew how to say. Twenty-six of those times were out of sadness, desperate to find the right words to fill the gaps. Unlike the ones between my ribs the one we share will never show. 
  Your sheets have a thread count of two hundred, but i found a dropped stitch the night I slept in your bed, learning how to memorize your body at the same time in case you were gone when the sun rose. 
  Zippers have thirty-nine teeth, the top four on your favorite jeans are busted. I noticed them when you put me on your knees and to your body I prayed. I never believed in a God, but damn me to hell if I don’t believe in you. 
  Fifty-six minutes out of an hour I’m thinking of you, I use the other four to remind myself how to breathe. I’ve gotten so used to life with you here, showing me new colors everyday, making my paint sing.
  They say not to worship your own art but I sculpted your heart with my hands everyday for months until it learned how to beat, like Pinocchio you became real in my workshop, my prized possession. I want to teach it passion, sin, and the way it feels to be loved. 
Alive and real, not just a passing thought but a pulsing reality. 

21813: Feelings

 Teach me what it’s like to walk with love in my body and your voice in my head

  I want to know the pounding of your heart as it beats next to mine, I need to know how many shallow breaths it takes to fill your lungs, so that I might give to you that much love to keep you breathing every morning.

  There’s something in the way that you say my name that freezes my heart mid-pulse and makes me remember why I fell in love with you in the first place. I don’t know the day or the minute it happened but I know that I never want to let it go.

  My sighs have become like concrete blocks tied to my every heart string weighing me down and tugging at my mind, because of you there is nothing pretty to me than the sunrise in December and lying through my teeth. Nothing better than the sweet taste you leave under my tongue after you kiss me and the haze you leave in my eyes when I watch you walk away.

                           Unfocused and out of touch I love you.